Sometimes I find myself suffering from high anxiety.
I woke up late the other night from a dream in which I was flying
around the countryside sitting on a pillow that was strapped to some
sort of small wooden bench. As I blissfully moved through the air I followed the
line of the street far below. It suddenly occurred to me that I
didn't need to follow the road, that I was free to cut across the country
side on my flying bench to get to my destination and save time. This I did and my new
route took me over a large grassy playing field where some older kids
were throwing a ball back and forth. The ball ended up landing in my
lap and before I could return it the kids started chasing me from
below, yelling at me as if I intended to fly off with their beloved
toy. Soon I began losing elevation and was floating dangerously close
to the angry kids who were jumping up to catch me. As much as I willed myself to fly higher and
faster I kept dropping like a leaky hot air balloon. Just as I
dropped low enough to be captured, I woke up.
I don't know what this means but it stuck with me.
Got my round trip ticket to Santa Cruz. I'll be heading there for
a short 10 days stay starting December 7th. I'm excited to return and
catch up with my S.C. friends and share a few beers but mostly I have to renew my tourist visa and will be busy selling my van and handyman
tools. I need another injection of cash to keep me fed and housed
while I continue my efforts to make the brewery a success. At this
point in time it is paying for itself and small upgrades along with a
small stipend for my personal expenses.
It's scary though. I have to admit that I live with a mixture of
fear and optimism that battle each other for primacy. Some days the
fear wins and other days the optimism holds strong. My commitment for
success is tempered by the sense that there is no turning back.
I carry around a bit of worry. O.k., a lot. Concerns that I literally won't survive if
I turned back at this point and I won't survive if I stay the course. Irrational? Yes, but that I've gone beyond the point of no return feels oh too real.
have strategies to deal with the anxiety. One coping mechanism that I use and am quite proud of is to
just not think about it, I excel at this. Or I zone
out by watching multiple episodes of Orange is the new Black. I also spend a lot
of time developing (or is it taking refuge in) the trust that this
will work out. I refer to this technique as 'blind optimism'.
There is an upside. Something to be optimistic about is the fact
that we are now selling Dos Aves in a dozen restaurants in San
Miguel, one in Queretero and two more in Baja. I'm proud of that and
encouraged that people are enjoying and asking for our beer. We are
near the point of surpassing our ability to produce enough beer for
the demand with our current equipment and will need to expand very
soon to keep up. We finally have in place relationships with the
vendors we need here in Mexico to keep the brewery operating
including a recently discovered supplier of cartons with our logo printed
on the sides. A wholesaler of malted grain, bulk bottle company and a label printer right here in San Miguel. We just received two new conical fermentors (thanks to my indiogogo supporters) which will help increase production considerably not to mention facilitate the ease of yeast harvesting.
I'm learning a lot about myself during this journey.
Some things I don't like but many more that I do. My tenacity and
drive continue to surprise me. My ability to produce a quality
product with consistency and how easily I'm able to communicate with
clients who seem to appreciate my efforts. The sense of humor that I can conjure up from the depths when my optimism wanes, and my feelings of gratitude towards the people in my life that continue to support my efforts and believe in what I'm doing.
By the way, if you'd care to contribute to this effort, donations are always welcomed. There's a donate button on the side bar of this blog.
Anyway, enough about me, how are you doing these days? Cheers!