Friday, January 23, 2009

Beer Fear

I woke up last night to the sound of cats screaming from the neighbors roof. They sounded like a maternity ward full of colic babies. I listened for awhile, my mind drifting aimlessly. It was two in the morning and I lay staring at the ceiling as a familiar fear came over me, a dread that can only be described as a sense of brewers anxiety. This was not a new sensation to me and normally when this happens I try to ignore the source and start to count down backwards from one thousand until sleep comes again. But this time I decided to confront my demons by observing and naming each one in an attempt to eliminate their hold over me. A cathartic exercise in bravery. I began with what I thought were the least of my fears:


Beer, Beer, Beer Fear
  1. my bottled beer doesn't carbonate.
  2. fermenter gets to warm.
  3. mash is too hot or not hot enough.
  4. hot liquor tank starts massive leak just as I begin to sparge.
  5. hairy fungus grows inside my refractometer, ruining it.

In my mine, I filled in every minute detail of the fear.

I open a bottle of beer after anxiously waiting the prescribed two weeks for carbonation to develop. There is no sound of pressure relief as the cap is slowly pryed off. I tilt the bottle and a warm gelatinous goo dribbles out and fills a glass with an army green pile of thread sized worms. etc, etc,. I continued this detailing for each fearful item. And the seriousness of the fear increases as I delve deeper into my brewing related psyche. I continued on with:

  1. beer is contaminated and kills my family and friends.
  2. broken carboy slashes wrists and jugular and then ruins carpet.
  3. propane tanks explode in transit, vaporizing my car with me in it.
  4. corny keg splits during forced carbonation and beer foam dislodges my left eye.

and the most horrifying thought:

  1. neighbor kids break into garage and drink all the beer in the kegerator.

Finally, believe it or not, as this final nightmare scenerio unfolded in my mind I felt the darkness envelope me in a warm blanket of stillness and I fell fast asleep. Cathartic? Maybe, but did I cover enough beer fear?

What are your worst beer fears? Comment below.

1 comment:

baumgartner said...

My worst beer fear is running out!!! Ahhhh

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