Boatswain IPA Review

 

Do you remember that old Smucker’s jam commercial? “With a name like Smucker’s, it has to be good.” I suppose the idea was that no one would dare saddle a product with such an unfortunate name unless it had something redeeming inside the jar. I thought about that as I stared down a six-pack of Boatswain IPA at Trader Joe’s—the beer equivalent of an off-brand cereal trying its best to look earnest. At $5.99, it practically leapt into my cart, whispering, “I won’t hurt you... much.”

I wanted it to be good. Not out of optimism, exactly, but out of necessity. A beer that cheap has to be good, otherwise what’s the point of capitalism? But the name—Twin Screw Steamer—sounded less like an India Pale Ale and more like a nautical mishap. And sure enough, it drank like one. Imagine a rusty barge moored in a Wisconsin inlet, full of malt syrup, the scent of cardboard, and the gentle fizz of regret.

From what I could gather in the 37 seconds I spent Googling it, Rhinelander Brewing Co.—named after a town nestled somewhere north of Green Bay—contract brews this for Trader Joe’s. And while I’d like to believe they meant well, this beer has all the charm of a Midwestern uncle who tells you IPAs are "too bitter" but then hands you one that tastes like oxidized raisin bread.

It’s dark, overly sweet, low in carbonation, and bears all the head retention of a root beer left out overnight. As for the hops? I sniffed. I swirled. I wondered briefly if I’d lost my sense of smell. Nothing. It's not that it lacks bitterness entirely—it's just that it's the kind of bitterness you get when you’ve bitten into a stale dinner roll expecting it to be warm.

I understand that taste is regional. People in the Midwest, bless their hearts, think a dollop of cottage cheese on a ring of lime Jell-O counts as salad. But this? This was less an IPA and more a cry for help from someone who’s only read about hops in books. Damp books.

Now, to be fair—and I do believe in fairness—it does contain alcohol. And if that’s your metric, then Boatswain IPA is technically a success. You will get buzzed, eventually. But so will sipping antifreeze, and I’d argue the flavor profile’s not terribly different.

I visited Untappd, the beer-rating app where strangers tell lies to each other. “Hoppy!” several reviewers crowed. I considered writing back, but decided that politely disagreeing with strangers online is only slightly more pointless than drinking the beer itself.

That said, I haven’t fully written off Rhinelander. Their lighter offerings might hold more promise. The American light lager, after all, is their region’s legacy—right up there with cheese curds and passive-aggressive small talk. And at this price point, disappointment is practically built into the business model.

In summary: too sweet, too malty, too flat, too Midwestern. But hey—it was cheap.